he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
