Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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