his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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