I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
