the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
