did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we're so committed to being not committed
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