How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
