i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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