The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The beer is more important than you right now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
