did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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