she was so not down for the gang bang
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
