Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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