And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
