i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
