i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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