I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
