I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
