WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
