one word: firstdatebathroomanal
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
