awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
