her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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