fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
