There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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