Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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