I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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