We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
