We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
