Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
