don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
