I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
