Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
