drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The beer is more important than you right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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