Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
