She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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