We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
