Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
