cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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