apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
ttyl tear gas
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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