I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
