he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
