Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im holly from the hills drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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