just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
