mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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