no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My vagina is officially offended.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
