I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
