She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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