You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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