A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
