i can't believe i had my finger in that
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
