Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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