i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
