Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
